Kids First Conflict Resolution, The Bully Experts

A Dad has to do what a Dad has to do

“I salute Robert Casteel, the California father who obtained a restraining order against the fourth grader who threatened his son with a knife.  The Dad was right!  

If our children do not feel protected, they take matters into their own hands. Experience has taught us that, that can have very disastrous results.

According to reports, the school had been notified but the father was not satisfied with the results.

In the training, We Don’t Tolerate Bullying! There is something parents can do, parents are encouraged to advocate strongly for their children.  They are advised this may include filing police reports, restraining order and even law suits; all in an effort to keep their children safe.  It was in one such training, at an elementary school in South Gate, a parent reported her nine year old daughter had been bullied and harassed by another nine year old for more than two years.  It had started with name calling and hitting and had escalated to his bringing a knife to school.  The school’s response was his father can’t control him, but “he’s getting treatment”.  That did little to soothe that girl’s mother.

There’s a lot of talk about bullying.  What’s going on?

The Gay Lesbian & Straight Education Network commissioned a survey of elementary schools that found:

•  
  • 75% of elementary students report they are called names, made fun of or bullied with regularity
  • 92% of elementary students report they have been taught they should not bully others or call names
  • 81% of teachers report their school has implemented anti-bullying or anti-harassing  policies
  • 85% of teachers have personally received professional development about bullying or harassment
  • 45% of teachers report they need further training

If children have been taught, schools have implemented polices, teachers have received training, and more than 50% believe they know enough about the subject, what is the problem?  

Why has Kids First been able to document the death of at least thirty-six children, ages 11 to 18, whose deaths have been blamed on bullying?

What is the disconnect?  And what can parents do about it? These questions and more are answered in the free parent training: We Don’t Tolerate Bullying! There is something parents can do.  Parent learn the three elements of bullying, four types of bullying and a four prong strategy for eliminating bullying.   Additionally parents learn bullying doesn’t stop when the school bell rings; how to talk to their children and school about bullying: and more than a dozen things parents can do.  

To arrange this paradigm shifting training for parents at your school, church or community organization, contact Kids First at ItsKidsFirst@gmail.com.

(Source: abcnews.go.com)

Continuing the discussion on character, part 2

Continuing the conversation on character, helping children understand the definition of character.

Trustworthiness

Be honest • Don’t deceive, cheat, or steal • Be reliable — do what you say you’ll do • Have the courage to do the right thing • Build a good reputation • Be loyal — stand by your family, friends, and country

Respect

Treat others with respect; follow the Golden Rule • Be tolerant and accepting of differences • Use good manners, not bad language • Be considerate of the feelings of others • Don’t threaten, hit or hurt anyone • Deal peacefully with anger, insults, and disagreements

Responsibility

Do what you are supposed to do • Plan ahead • Persevere: keep on trying! • Always do your best • Use self-control • Be self-disciplined • Think before you act — consider the consequences • Be accountable for your words, actions, and attitudes • Set a good example for others

Fairness

Play by the rules • Take turns and share • Be open-minded; listen to others • Don’t take advantage of others • Don’t blame others carelessly • Treat all people fairly

Caring

Be kind • Be compassionate and show you care • Express gratitude • Forgive others • Help people in need

Citizenship

Do your share to make your school and community better • Cooperate • Get involved in community affairs • Stay informed; vote • Be a good neighbor • Obey laws and rules • Respect authority • Protect the environment • Volunteer

(Source: charactercounts.org)

Continuing the discussion on character

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” 

How do we help children prepare to be judged by their character in a world where cheating is accepted because “everyone is doing it”?

When twenty New York students were arrested for cheating on the SAT, the New York Times reported, “According to prosecutors, principals, parents and teenagers here on Long Island’s Gold Coast, it was common knowledge at some of the nation’s most prestigious high schools that if you had the money, you could find someone with a sharper vocabulary and a surer grasp of geometry to fill in the blanks for you.”

We can start by teaching the six pillars of character using the acronym, T R R F C C.  This will help them remember that people with good character are terrific:

T rustworthiness

R espect

R esponsibility

F airness

C aring

C itizenship

—Charactercounts.org

(Source: charactercounts.org)

Happy Martin Luther King Day

 “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” 

This quote is probably the most famous quote attributed to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

If he were still alive today, Dr. King would be struggling.  

Many of our children cannot withstand scrutiny of their character.  We adults have failed to teach them and failed to set examples of good character.  Whether it’s celebrities, athletes, politicians, clergy, educators, or parents their representation in the media has shown their character to be lacking.

So as we celebrate this Martin Luther King Day, let us remember the pillars of character:

Trustworthiness

Respect

Responsibility

Fairness

Caring

Citizenship

Let us not only teach them to children, but let us live them and set a good example.

Adults Gone Wild!

Have adults lost it?  Have we all gone mad?  Are we wild with labels? 

A nine year old is accused of sexual harassment for calling a teacher “cute”.  http://www.wsoctv.com/news/29910470/detail.html

A seven year old is accused of sexual harassment for kicking another seven year old boy in the groin, who he said was choking him.  http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2011/12/02/first-grader-accused-sexual-harassment/yKSB1IUyXCeJgyyM164DIL/story.html

The same holds true with bullying.  I recently spoke with an administrator who complained that too many things are being labeled as bullying, when in fact it’s sometimes just children being mean to each other.

OK, so let’s take a deep breath.  The nine year old’s comments may be inappropriate, but sexual harassment?  Seven year old boys play rough, often in manners where people might get injured; but sexual harassment?  And is being mean more acceptable than bullying?

These are acute examples of why I am against zero tolerance policies.  It is too easy to attach a label that has horrific consequences. 

All of these appear to have been teachable moments.  Wouldn’t it have been more productive to have had an adult step forward and help teach these children more acceptable behavior?

It has got to stop!

Bullying has taken the life of another child.  When will this all end?  http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/TopStories/20111130/quebec-teen-bullying-suicide-111130/

So who is to blame?  The parents?  The school?  The students?  The society?

I believe there is enough blame to go around.

Many parents continue to spout, “they had bullies when I was a kid, you’ll get over it”; “learn to stand up for yourself or you will always be bullied”.  Other parents refuse to believe “their little darlings” could be involved in bullying someone, “it’s just kids having fun”; “nobody was really hurt”.

Some schools are really tired of hearing about bullying.  As one administrator explained, “everything isn’t bullying, it’s just the hot topic, sometimes it’s just kids being mean; it’s not bullying”.  Additionally, budget constraints have significantly reduced the funds for intervention.

Yes, students play a part.  They often laugh while one of their peers is being tormented, often in their own effort to fit in. Taunting, teasing and rumors have become a way of life for many students.

Society plays a big part with aggressive video games and TV shows like Bully Beatdown glorifying bullying and violence.

It is time for a paradigm shift.  Each group, parents, students, educators and the community need to learn all they can about bullying.  Adults need to become Trusted Adults that children will feel comfortable and safe going to when they are being bullied or they witness bullying.

Kids First continues to offer free anti-bullying training for parents.  Additionally we offer Bullying? We Don’t Tolerate Bullying!  There Is Something Parents Can Do.

Training is also available for students, schools and community organizations.

We are thankful for you

This is the time of year when we turn our attention to the things we are thankful for.  Topping this list for Kids First are the people, like you, who are concerned about children.  We are thankful for you!

Children continue to need adult intervention to help keep them safe.  Earlier this month the news reported on a ten year old honor student from Illinois who committed suicide as a result of being bullied. 

What adult could have intervened?

Statistics tell us adults intervene in bullying situations only 4% of the time.  Some of the reasons cited for inaction include: not sure what’s going on, not knowing what to do, afraid to get involved.

Children don’t always tell adults.  It is important to help children know the difference between “snitching” or “tattling” and telling an adult to get help with a situation. 

Children also need to know they can trust the adult.  Unfortunately, all adults are not trustworthy.  A Trusted Adult, as defined by students, is:

One who listens without judging

One who keep confidence

One who really tries to help

Become a Trusted Adult.  Help children identify Trusted Adults at school, afterschool programs, clubs, and any other location where children gather.  Remember, bullying doesn’t stop when the school bell rings.

We are thankful for you

Happy Thanksgiving

Really? Are you kidding me?

I recently had the opportunity to exhibit at a science fair for an after school program.  Kids First was there to help spread the word about our free anti-bullying training for parents. 

It was a cool day, by southern California standards, in the low 70’s; so there wasn’t a great turnout.  However I saw that as an opportunity to really explain what we do and why we do it.  And as usual, I learned something new that day.

A parent and her daughter approached the table.  I advised them we were Kids First and we were there to offer free anti-bullying training for parents.  They both smiled politely and as they turned to walk away, I engaged the child.  She told me she was in the fifth grade and that bullying was not a problem at her school.  Her mother beamed. 

I asked her if any of her friends had ever been bullied, to which she answered “yes”.  I then asked her if she had ever been bullied, again the answer was “yes”.

I asked both mother and child if they thought that was ok, to which they each answered “no”.  Is that a problem?  “Yes”, they nodded.

This scenario played out another three or four times. 

Really?  Are you kidding me?

What is going on?  These were concerned, involved parents.  If your child is being bullied or knows of another child being bullied, your school has a problem with bullying!

Has your child been bullied?

Does your child know a child who has been bullied?

There is something parents can do, but you have to be aware.

It Made Me Gasp!

I’ve been dealing with kids a long time, about four decades.  I’ve seen them at their worst.  I’ve seen them make very poor decisions.  I’ve seen them act in uncivilized ways. One might even say I’ve become pretty desensitized to their abhorrent behavior.  But what I read this week made me gasp aloud.

As a bully expert, I work hard to stay abreast of current happenings in that arena.  I receive daily alerts about bullying activity.  I read about stories from around the world, so I’m aware that kids everywhere are taking this bullying thing to new levels of low.

I read about how the bullies, at a New York school, continued to taunt Jamey Rodemeyer after his death.  His death was the caused by suicide, resulting from being bullied.  His sister attended a dance where children shouted, “We’re glad you’re dead!  You’re better off dead!”

Reading this caused me to shake my head.

But the story I read from Canada caused me to gasp aloud.

Eleven year old, Mitchell Wilson, was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy.  Last November he was attacked by a twelve year old boy from his school, who took an iPhone from him.  The twelve year old was arrested and removed from the school.

Mitchell received a subpoena to testify against his attacker.  Facing his attacker was more than he could handle; he committed suicide by placing a plastic bag over his head.

This has got to stop!  Bullying is not a rite of passage. We cannot continue to lose our children.  We, all, have to do something. Parents. Teachers. Shopkeepers. Churches. Everyone.  “It takes a village…”

Do We Have a Bullying Problem at Our School?

It seems every day we read of another incident of severe bullying.  We all shake our heads and wonder, how did this happen?  Where were the parents?  Where were the school authorities?  Could this happen at your school?  Do we have a bullying problem at our school? 

While preparing to make a presentation to parents at an elementary school, I was chatting with the principal and asked her if bullying was a problem at her school.  She replied, “Not really, but we have posters up and the kids know about it”. 

Not a very strong answer, but I went ahead with the presentation.  During the question and answer period the parents told a very different story.

There were the usual questions about what to do when your child is bullied?  What to do when the school isn’t responsive? 

Then there was one parent who had moved two of her children to another school, because of the taunting of by siblings of another family.  Her question was, should she move her third child because the taunting was starting and this child is only in kindergarten. 

Another parent’s fourth grade daughter has been continually harassed by a boy in her grade, since kindergarten.  He even brought a knife to school!

Is there a bullying problem at this school?  It depends on who you ask.  And that is the point, ASK.  Here is a survey for parents.  Use it to get the dialogue started.

  Parent Bullying Survey

 How safe is your child’s school?  

 On a scale of 1 - 10, 10 being safest

Why did you give that score? 

How frequently are people bullied at your child’s school? 

Never             Sometimes                Often              Don’t Know

Has your child ever been bullied?    Yes No

           Who did they tell?

            If they didn’t tell anyone, why not? 

Has your child ever bullied someone?    Yes     No

Has your child ever seen someone bullied?    Yes       No

What are children supposed to do if they are bullied?

Do you have a copy of the school’s anti-bullying policy? Yes No

What grade is your child in? 

Is your child a girl or a boy?